Today I Fell Apart...
Today I fell apart. After several months of “holding it together” I was reduced to a weeping, mess of tears as I held my sweet, sleeping 19 month old son in my arms. As he rested comfortably against my chest, a deep sadness came over me. Next week begins another period of trial for our family. It seems like we are about to relive some of the worst nightmares of our past. All we can do is pray with all of our might that God will give us all the strength that we need to get through this.
16 months after walking out of the hospital with our son, we will be returning for him to have an invasive diagnostic procedure on his heart. Soon after, the miracle workers that saved his life so many months ago, will once again perform an open heart surgery and fix his heart permanently. We have known that this day was coming. I even felt a sense of relief when the team finally told me it was time. My days and nights of worrying about his little heart would finally be eased. But as the day approaches, I am filled with flashbacks of his first surgery and my heart is breaking. I remember single tears rolling down his cheeks as he sucked his pacifier furiously without a sound. I remember the little kitten cries that escaped him as his vocal chords recovered from days of intubation. While there are many more grave images that are forever ingrained in my mind, it is those little memories that haunt me today. I cannot bear to think of him in any pain or discomfort.
But in all of this I have to be strong. I have to be strong for him, for our family, for his little brother or sister who is growing inside me. Yes, in addition to this, I am 16 weeks pregnant. In ten days we will face the anatomy scan and learn whether this baby is healthy or not. While I have faith, I would be lying if I said I wasn't filled with anxiety. I am asking all of our friends, family and readers to pray for us. Pray that my son's procedures will go well and without any complication. Pray that he will experience as little pain or discomfort as possible. Pray that his father and I and our families will have the strength and calm that we need to get through this. Please pray that all will be well with the growing little one and our family will finally be able to move forward in health and happiness.
While this is all a lot harder than I imagined at first, I know that we have overcome difficult trials before. With all of your prayers and God’s help, I know we can get through this time as well.
© Nicola Rios Nogales and ispeakmom.com, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Nicola Rios Nogales and ispeakmom.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.